CHIEFS, TOO

[DISCLAIMER:  In a rational world, it would be silly to add this, but in our current environment in which conspiracy theories spring from nowhere, I hereby declare that I do NOT think that the NFL is conspiring for the Chiefs or against the Eagles.  90% of the fictional memo set forth below wrote itself while I was on the treadmill yesterday.  Although the Kelce brothers and Ms. Swift will never be aware of this post, I am confident that if they were, they would not be offended by the tongue-in-cheek effort set forth here.]

Memo to:  NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

From:  League Super Bowl Coordinator

In re:  Exploiting Revenue Opportunities Related to the Kansas City Chiefs

This year’s Super Bowl pits the World Champion Kansas City Chiefs against the Philadelphia Eagles.  The Eagles are an outstanding team.  The League, of course, has a vested interest in a Chiefs victory.  First, Taylor Swift is romantically involved with one of the Chiefs players, and we want to keep her fans happy so they continue to consume our product; second, and more importantly, the citizens of the states of Missouri and Kansas are both relatively much stauncher supporters of our new President, Donald Trump, than Pennsylvanians, so we want to keep Missourians and Kansans happy so that we can keep him happy.  The Chiefs are only about a 1.5 point favorite – coincidentally, about the margin by which Mr. Trump defeated Vice President Kamala Harris last November.  These are the steps we plan to put in place to ensure a Chiefs victory:

We’ve dispatched League officials to the Eagles’ offices on the pretext of performing an audit, told all the front office staff to go home, cut off their payment system, and locked them out of the Eagles’ network.

As you’re aware, Eagle Running Back Saquon Barkley has had an extraordinary season this year, running for over 2,000 yards.  Given Mr. Barkley’s obvious strategic value, the Chiefs are offering to buy Mr. Barkley.  Unfortunately, we haven’t yet had the time to set up a structure under which either the Eagles can be forced to sell Mr. Barkley to the Chiefs, or to enable the Chiefs to simply take Mr. Barkley.  Therefore, if Philadelphia ungratefully refuses to sell Mr. Barkley to the Chiefs, we have informed the Eagles that unless they pay at least 2% of their total revenue to the League, they will no longer get the coverage of the League’s TV package.

As you’re also aware, Ms. Swift’s boyfriend’s brother is a retired Eagle player who clearly loves and has provided tremendous support to the Philadelphia community over the years.  We are exploring ways to put pressure on him to say that despite what he has stood for throughout his entire professional football career, he never really liked Philadelphia or the Eagles, that he actually always thought that Kansas City and the Chiefs were the best, and that he wants to come back to play for the Chiefs.  Given the techniques we have seen successfully employed upon some of the President’s formerly most vociferous detractors who have since become among his most slavish supporters — such as Vice President J.D. Vance and Secretary of State Marco Rubio – we have high hopes here.

We have made arrangements to remove all security for the Eagles at their hotel and when entering the stadium.  They’re big boys; what could go wrong?  😉

We have fired every official who has ever made a call against the Chiefs.  We have fired every official who has ever made a call favoring Philadelphia.  We’ve fired every official who’s ever been to Philadelphia.

We are going to replace the National Anthem with the theme of God Bless America, but with better lyrics.  While still a work in progress, we envision a first verse along the lines, “God Bless the President, the man that we love; stand beside him, and prize him, through the night with the light from above,” while unfurling a flag at midfield with the President’s picture on it.  (We’re still considering how it might be received if we add a depiction of Jesus with his hand on Mr. Trump’s shoulder.)  It’ll be great.

Any player on either team seen kneeling during the … er … new National Anthem will be found during the coming offseason to have violated some League policy, and banned for life.  (Unless it’s Ms. Swift’s boyfriend; we need him, so we’ll simply reprimand him, with quiet apologies to the President.)

For the coin flip, we will be using a coin with the Chiefs and Eagles’ logos and the Lombardi Trophy all crammed on one side, and a flattering depiction of President Trump on the other side.  Of course, we will have commemorative bitcoins on sale during the game and thereafter, with proceeds split between the League and Trump Foundations.

As you are aware, for Super Bowls we normally display the name and colors of each team in one end zone.  We have decided to change the name of the end zone assigned to the Eagles to, “CHIEFS, TOO,” with the Kansas City colors.

We have added a rule change for the game:  the Official Pardon Power.  Any official that sees a Chiefs player guilty of a vicious unsportsmanlike hit on an Eagle has the power to immediately pardon the Chief.  The game will continue without penalty.

You have asked how we will deal with a distinct risk:  that despite all the safeguards we put in place, the Eagles are so good that they still … win.  We have opted for a simple course:  no matter how much the Eagles might win by, we will simply declare that Kansas City won.  We’ll immediately release the confetti with Kansas City colors.  Although Kansas City Coach Andy Reid, Chief Quarterback Patrick Mahomes, and Ms. Swift’s boyfriend will undoubtedly be shocked and wonder what is going on, we’ll simply haul them onto the victor’s podium (maybe he’ll propose to Ms. Swift on the platform — wouldn’t that be a coup?) and give them the Lombardi Trophy.  (You’re concerned that the Eagles might object.  Not to worry:  remember, we aren’t giving them any security.)

Am sure you’re looking forward to the event!  Since you’ll be presenting the trophy, you might want to consult Mr. Trump for his advice as to the best makeup!

[Enjoy the game.  Hopefully, it will provide you a worthy distraction. (FYI:  Travis Kelce hasn’t let me know whether he intends to propose to Ms. Swift if the Chiefs win.  😉 )]